Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
