The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
