I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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