I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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