I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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