If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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