you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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