I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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