hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
