Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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