remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The air was thick with penises
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
