from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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