Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
