my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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