I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
God, I missed his penis.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
