Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
