My sheets look like a crime scene.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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