my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
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i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
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We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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