He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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