You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
