At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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