i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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