You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
