i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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