and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
