i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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