I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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