I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
