he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
