ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
