I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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