At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
