Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
