Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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