Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
