So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
