My liver just broke up with me...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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