the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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