After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
