i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
