i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
