I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
