I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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