If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
