I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
