Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
