Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
