The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
