fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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