My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Watching her eat just hurts me
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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