He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
