Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
