so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
