I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
