Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
