He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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