It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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