I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
