Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
